This Is How You Speak Up in Your Relationship Without Having A Fight

How to speak up in relationships and avoid fights

Written by Aisha Zakari

Zakari Aisha Saliu is a passionate cook who loves to travel and meet new people. Her exposure to places and people is her strength in learning new recipes. She is a diverse and passionate writer on topics related to personal development, humanity, relationships, entrepreneurial skills and life in general.

July 11, 2021

Disagreements in any relationship are common. They are completely normal but sometimes, it gets to a point where it’s always happening and things get heated up between you and your partner. You begin to say things you both don’t mean and inevitably find it hard to communicate because you don’t want it leading to more fights which are not healthy in a relationship.

So how do you improve communication in a relationship, stop a heated conversation and calm down to reach the point where you and your partner can communicate without yelling and fighting? Is it even possible? YES! It is possible, with mutual understanding, patience and efforts and with these steps, I’ll be providing you with, you can have a healthy relationship where you disagree effectively without making a fuss about it.

Understanding and practising these steps as a couple can help you build effective communication and have you both feeling appreciated. You will begin to see progress and improve communication in a relationship as you will be able to talk more effectively about any problem in the relationship with your partner without fighting.

How To Communicate Effectively With Your Partner Without Having A Fight

1. Know Yourself

What calms you? What upsets you?

Know what your needs are and what’s important for you. You should know what triggers you, what makes you uncomfortable and you should let your partner know – this helps to improve communication in a relationship.

If need be, write them down and find a way to share them with your partner. Call to their attention and speak calmly about what you feel, hate and don’t like about in the relationship. Pass your message across calmly.

To do this, you need to be able to understand your emotions.

2. Let It Go

Do not nitpick your partner and hold grudges.

You should learn not to build up mistakes, faults and definitely do not blame each other. When you’re both upset and in a heated argument, instead of yelling and shouting, why not sit to calm down?

You both will say offensive words to each other rather than doing that, you should take space from each other to cool down and figure out what happened. When you’re ready to talk, pass your message about what your partner did that you didn’t like or enjoy.

3. Talk More About The Littlest Things

When I’m upset, I need…

Remember last night, I wished you just hugged me. That would have calmed me down.

With this, you’re helping your partner comprehend you and your needs. Never assume you know what your partner is thinking just because you’re with them. You’re no mind-reader.

What you need to improve communication is to talk, listen and understand your partner’s needs. It makes your bond grow stronger. Be open to listening to your partner’s needs, you’re helping each other communicate better.

4. Halt The Argument

This is tricky but helpful at the same time. When you’re in that heat of an argument, when you’re both upset and snapping words at each other, one of you should say;


This is to pause the argument as both of you know it’s getting out of hand. Take a pause, hug each other if you can and continue the argument another time.

You should be willing to try this as it will help in suppressing the hurt and anger through the little hug you will share with your partner. You will realize being together is bigger than any argument.

You could say different words if not “Pause”. You could try “I love you”. Just make sure you take a pause and enjoy the hug with your partner, it definitely should relieve you.

5. Show Some Appreciation

I don’t think I can say this enough but appreciation is everything in a relationship. It shows you appreciate the little thoughtful efforts. The littlest things you do matters and makes a vast difference.

“Thank you for taking your time to reach out. I’ve been worried since you walked out last night and I miss you”

“Thank you for trying to calm me down when I got upset, it meant a lot”

Appreciate them and their little efforts, it goes a long way in building a healthy relationship, enhancing and improving communication and of course, you avoid future disagreements.

6. Learn Some Effective Communication Skills

“I felt bad when you walked out on me last night”

“I don’t like how you always leave the bathroom floor wet”

“I don’t like it when you added thyme to the stew”

Use “I” to convey your feelings and emotions, your needs. When you do, you’re communicating and making your partner understand what you like and don’t.

“You still left the bathroom floor wet”

“You didn’t listen, you still added thyme to the stew”

When you use “you”, you’re not communicating rather, you’re being defensive and this will be hard for your partner to listen and understand your feelings.

Use “I” to tell your partner what you have to, they will consider your feelings and that’s a step to avoiding conflict.

7. Listen To Understand

“I get allergies because I don’t like it when you add thyme to the stew”

“It’s not OCD my love but I like the bathroom floor to be dry when I am to use it”

Express what you feel in a way that your partner will see reasons with you and eventually understand where you are coming from.

Say what you like and feel before what you dislike so you can be heard and understood. By doing this, you improve communication in the relationship by letting your partner know they can do better and you want them to. Your needs should be met in a relationship and this makes it healthy.

8. Pick The Right Time

Timing is very important when you need to talk about something bothering you. Pick the right time and a good time for this conversation so you can pass your message across and be heard by your partner.

If your partner is busy with something or work, that is not a good time to talk about it. If you can’t seem to find the right time, ask your partner when is the right time to address the issue bothering you. By this, you’re having your partners time and undivided attention.


Speaking up in a relationship grows a deeper bond as you get to understand each other in a depth and having a strong foundation improve communication in a relationship.

Remember, in every relationship, there is going to be misunderstanding but with effective communication and active listening, you’re on your way to a healthy relationship. It takes two to make it work, be a listener and a talker too!

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1 Comment

  1. Ajibike Maryam Olaitan

    This is really helpful, some people just don’t know how to communicate without having a fight.


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