Why Holding On To Your Toxic Traits Will Destroy Your Marriage

Why holding on to your toxic traits will destroy your marriage

Written by Manu Bilkisu

A mother of 4, a wife to a deceased loving husband, accidental marriage counsellor, human rights activist and a rational thinker. If Hajja Balki is not making Braids, she is undoing them. She believes men and women exist for a purpose far important than reproduction.

June 28, 2021

Oftentimes people marry their spouses from different tribes, states or even countries. This simply means it is a scenario of two different people from different background and families except for few cases mostly found in Arewa where couples marry their relatives called auren zumunci.

Two grown-up adults coming from different background living together in the name of love is usually not funny no matter how long they were engaged in a relationship before marriage. It takes conscious effort and working on yourself and your spouse to enjoy the marriage.

Now, this is where the problem lies. A lot of people hold onto their culture, belief, and ideals of how marriage should be which they probably learnt from their parent or guardians. Now these two grownups, now husband and wife find it a bit difficult to blend as long as each is holding on to some of these toxic traits in the marriage. I call them toxic traits because they are characters we have acquired over time which are negatively affecting our marital relationships but yet we refuse to let go or adjust to be better. Hence we begin to endure marriage and not enjoy it. Some marriages end up crashing in the middle of nowhere. People are left broken and battered, innocent children becoming victims of broken homes.

Read: Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

Some of these toxic traits include domestic abuse, infidelity, allowing house helps play your role as a wife and mother, poor handling of finances, yelling at each other, staying late at nights, letting your family members interfere in your home activities, keeping secrets from your spouse, nagging and calling each other names, putting others or your job before your family etc.

The truth is a lot of people are ready to live with the things life throw at them which include health challenges, money problems, death of a child, natural disasters that lead to losses but not abuse or infidelity which are all toxic traits.

Love is never enough in marriage and the more intimate you know someone the more clearly you will see their flaws. We often say love is patient and yet we refuse to work on ourselves. This is why some marriages fail, children get abandoned, friendships don’t last and promises aren’t kept.

Related: Authentic Sisterhood: Reality of Friendship Between Northern Nigerian Ladies

I don’t dispute the fact that love is an essential part of marriage but it’s never enough. Make deliberate efforts to work on how you talk to your spouse, how you appreciate them, work on your looks, work on your attitudes, work on your cooking skills, learn to be transparent, work on your hospitality etc.

Drop that notion of this is how we do it in my father’s house or my tribe or my culture etc. Study your spouse to understand them to adjust to each other and build your home according to the standard of the holy books, not human standards. Ultimately, you have to choose between holding on to your toxic traits or your marriage.

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